Mud

 

 Ever feel like you are trapped or suffocating? Like you aren't where you're supposed to be? You have big dreams and aspirations, but it's not clear on how to get them cause life or your brain is "muddy". That's me. Sometimes in life we can't choose what is going to happen, we can't help who we meet, we can't help why. Life is (as cliches as it sounds) a mystery. I'm still struggling to do things for me and not to impress others. I totally wish I had my shit together. Here I am a single mom of two kids, trying to climb back up this ladder of stability and structure. Although my kids have food to eat, clothes on their back and roof over their head, is it selfish of me to want more for myself and more importantly them?
   Recently I delivered my 2nd child, a daughter, my princess. Like her brother before her, her pregnancy was hard, very hard, unnaturally hard. Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a monster all by itself but I was never prepared for the shit I had to deal with in my emotional life, but I digress. Moving forward, as positive as I want to be, as positive as I know I can be, something about this experience was different and life changing. It's with an open and delicate heart I admit that I have been diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. Most women have the usual baby blues, but after a month mines wasn't disappearing, it felt like it was getting worst. PPD feels like.... you're in a cage being watched by some unseen force,thing, being, whatever and it's clutching you at your neck. You can't breathe, you can't enjoy life the way you want, you want to but you can't. But you're silently suffering.
   Anyway, I have so many dreams, so many desires, wants and wishes, that I feel like I won't accomplish them all, and maybe I won't, but why is it so unclear? I'm working on cleaning the shit out of my eyes and making a bulk of my desires come true;
-Homeownership in a great city, neighborhood and school zone.
-Healthy Weight
-Love, maybe marriage.
-Financial Stability
-Philanthropy
-Finish Degree (fucking finally)
-See the world
-Provide education for my children and financial wealth

Their is no particular order to those, but again the path isn't clear on my part. Per usual, I'm just thinking outloud and planning, but I digress.

-Bee

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